down in my heart to stay

i'm the blonde dead center. white tights. black shoes. wearing a dress that i wore when i was a year old. can't let a good thing go.

In the mid-1920s, a British minister who lived in New York wrote a song entitled, 'Joy in My Heart', and in the mid-1990s, a 3-year-old girl started singing this song at church in front of the congregation for candy. Milky Ways, not Sweet-Tarts. Please and thank you.

Fun Fact: Until 1925, the song held a copyright, but it was never renewed. Which is maybe why it was used on 'The Simpsons', 'The Beverly Hillbies, and a Coca-Cola ad.

"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart to stay!"

I sang this song almost every Sunday for 20 years. Which, is ridiculous. There are so many songs. We had so many options.

In theory, the song works for wrangling a group of angsty children who are still learning how to sit still but need to burn off energy because there are still so many hours of church left and we are all losing our minds.

We often sang it as a kind of call and response. The louder we responded, the better it got. Maybe because at those volume levels, you can't actually hear what's being said?

And then there was the fact that each verse had so much potential for development.

I wonder if when George William Cooke wrote this song, he dreamed of the day that the lyrics would morph into, "And if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on a tack! Ouch! Sit on a tack! Ouch! Sit on a tack! And if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack! Ouch! Sit on a tack to stay!"

And lest the general public think we stopped our rewrite of this classic gospel song there, stay tuned for the insanity that ensued when we launched right back into the OG chorus after wishing that the devil would sit on a tack.

"And I'm so happy! So very happy! I have the love of Jesus in my heart (down in my heart)! And I'm so happy! So very happy! I have the love of Jesus in my heart!"

The. Classics. Thank you, George. Also, thank you for allowing your work to become public domain so that we might let the halls of the church ring with our harmonies about loving Jesus and blowing up the devil.

I no longer sing this song every Sunday. Usually just on a random Thursday when I am thinking about a million other things but it pops into my brain and I can't get it to leave unless I sing the whole song. Muscle memory, amiright?

"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart"

That's what I was supposed to say. Supposedly it's true. I've got joy. So much of it!

"Where? Down in my heart!" 

"Where? Down in my heart!"

Where is down in my heart? Is it a literal place? Figurative? A cozy corner near my aortic valve?

"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart to stay!"

To stay requires consistency. And sometimes, consistency is hard. And how do you get it to stay? Is it okay and normal if it leaves sometimes? How do you trust that it will come back?

"And I'm so happy! So very happy!"

But what about when I'm not? Or it's an off day. Or I am happy but I don't want to scream and shout about it? Why is happiness so aggressive? Who am I trying to convince?

"I have the love of Jesus in my heart. Down in my heart. And I'm so happy. So very happy. I have the love of Jesus in my heart!"

Where is 'down in my heart'???

I'm finding myself fixed on the location of said joy and love. Is it the same place where Jesus supposedly lives when I invite him into my heart? Does Jesus move into my heart, and then he becomes the creator of the joy?

Is the joy something I have to maintain and reproduce? Or can I just tell the devil to go sit on a tack and then I will feel better?

My theme for 2023 was 'But first, joy', and as the year progressed, I found myself having an increasingly hard time making space for joy.

It was a hard year to find joy. And on top of it being a hard year, I was confronted with how often I don't seek joy until I feel that I have earned it.

This internal belief system that says if I am finding delight and happiness in something, I have to have accomplished something else before I can revel in joyous things.

I paused while writing this because I wanted to find a very specific picture. A photo my grandmother took of me at church. Singing my little heart out. Singing all about that 'joy, joy, joy.'

I looked through box after box and couldn't find the picture. I did however find the photo of the day I got my braces off. Which felt like a win all on its own. Also, quite a few close-up selfies from my disposable camera era.

There were also photos that reflected a lot of giggles, laughter, and... joy. To see the brightness of childhood delight, my innocent delight, reflected back at me was a powerful moment.

Powerful because those years also contained a lot of fear and pain. Worry, anxiety, and chaos.

Yet, amidst it all, joy was found and held onto with a full-hearted vivaciousness and intensity.

Finally, in the LAST BOX - which is how it always is - success was found! And I smiled to see her. The little girl who was just so excited as she stood on a stage with her friends and sang about joy.

I think I needed to go through all the other boxes to find what I was looking for. And while I might not sing about the 'joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart' anymore, and it might be really hard on some days to find it at all, the truth is, she's HERE.

Beautiful, resilient, joy. Ready and waiting for me to get out of my own way. Standing by, ready to burst out and let her shine her light.

I was reminded that the joy has always been there, and she's not leaving anytime soon. She's down in my heart to stay. I just needed the reminder to let her shine, let her shine, let her shine.

May we all hold onto the joy of a small child who knows she's getting candy after church because she sang so good.